“You will realize my true worth only after getting married”, she would chant to me and sis once in a while. Those words would hit our opaque ears and they hardly mattered then. Yes, with Mother’s Day around the corner, here I am with all my guts accumulated to go public in apologizing to my Amma. I feel terrible for having taken you for granted – not once, not twice, I don’t even have a count of how many times.
Ever since I became pregnant, I craved for you more than ever. Not that I din’t yearn for you before that, but because motherhood had put me in your shoes. Every moment I spend with my daughters reminds me of your words, your actions, your love, your care, your affection. Amma, when I cut fruits for ManTam, I remember how you would keep a plate of neatly cut fruits on the centre table so that we could lazily pop in some of them while watching TV. I have even indifferently denied eating them never even bothering about how you might feel. When I prepare Dosa for my family standing for long hours in the hot kitchen in front of the Gas stove and giving them away one after one to fill each one’s tummy and then finally I am left alone. I make 2-3 Dosas and fill up my plate, switch off the stove and eat the not-so-hot Dosas alone. You know Amma, I feel guilty of never being concerned to make a single Dosa for you when you too ate the last couple of Dosas alone.
Amma, these are only a few instances I could quote of my day to day life which add to my guilt feeling. Honestly, I am leading a satisfactory and a jovial family and social life. But there is always this ‘void’ within Abbas and I which will only be filled with all of your acceptance of our marriage. I have realized your true worth, my dearest mother. The worst punishment of all is that I don’t get a chance to apologize to you. God has his ways!
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